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fair anxiety
June 22, 201611:33

it's true that most of our attitudes; the way we see life, the way we respond to bullshits, our perspective towards something so simple, the way we hold back, we cope best from our parents (i apologize if this reminds you of anything sad or other such things). i don't dare saying everything i say is compatible with what you expect or what you have dwelled in mind but as a daughter who was always at home before life started to get "real", i am close to my parents. when i started to enter college and currently having a position to say a university student, i find interesting things about myself. whatever that i'm doing regardless of places i go, people i mingle with, i always "return" to my parents. 

"what is mommy going to say if i buy these expensive foods?"

"how is daddy going to react if i participate in this event?"

"if mommy's here, she's going to say this and that"

"is this house good enough to rent? mommy will check on every corners of the house to see what's wrong and what's nice and the hell she's not going to leave the owner without truckload of questions to answer and negotiate"

"i wonder what's daddy going to say....."

right up there, mono conversations that i cannot dodge everytime i have to deal with different occurences. more interestingly, when it comes to sweet romance that everyone desires, i run into thinking of words that i have successfully paid attention to from my parents. ever fucking since, i learn a hell lot of things about effort. no effort, not worthy enough. that's just life man. and effort, it takes both sides. it's psychologically true that if someone wants you bad enough (and he/she is not a psychopath), he/she will be there for you sincerely. "sincerity" is kind of complex to prove because it's very personal but what i know for sure is when someone's on it, it will glow and i will know. falling in love is easy but staying for what love truly means, it takes maturity. i pray so that i can tango with a man who is not just genuine in actions but intentions too. by genuine, i mean mature and sustainable. life has never put me to ask "so much". 

all in all, i feel safe if i get to decide wisely appropriate to my parents' ways not that i am a spoilt princess who barely able to tie my own shoelaces rather they are my best guideline. i am serious when i say that things are hard when i don't talk to them from time to time. i am thankful that they are the ones who stay at every angles of my life, working and sweating for me and my siblings. it's hard for me to stay away from home for so damn long but i remember that it's also hard for them to count days everyday waiting for us to come back home, worrying all the time if anything may harm us from a distance. it's a fair anxiety.

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