it's true that most of our attitudes; the way we see life, the way we respond to bullshits, our perspective towards something so simple, the way we hold back, we cope best from our parents (i apologize if this reminds you of anything sad or other such things). i don't dare saying everything i say is compatible with what you expect or what you have dwelled in mind but as a daughter who was always at home before life started to get "real", i am close to my parents. when i started to enter college and currently having a position to say a university student, i find interesting things about myself. whatever that i'm doing regardless of places i go, people i mingle with, i always "return" to my parents. 

"what is mommy going to say if i buy these expensive foods?"

"how is daddy going to react if i participate in this event?"

"if mommy's here, she's going to say this and that"

"is this house good enough to rent? mommy will check on every corners of the house to see what's wrong and what's nice and the hell she's not going to leave the owner without truckload of questions to answer and negotiate"

"i wonder what's daddy going to say....."

right up there, mono conversations that i cannot dodge everytime i have to deal with different occurences. more interestingly, when it comes to sweet romance that everyone desires, i run into thinking of words that i have successfully paid attention to from my parents. ever fucking since, i learn a hell lot of things about effort. no effort, not worthy enough. that's just life man. and effort, it takes both sides. it's psychologically true that if someone wants you bad enough (and he/she is not a psychopath), he/she will be there for you sincerely. "sincerity" is kind of complex to prove because it's very personal but what i know for sure is when someone's on it, it will glow and i will know. falling in love is easy but staying for what love truly means, it takes maturity. i pray so that i can tango with a man who is not just genuine in actions but intentions too. by genuine, i mean mature and sustainable. life has never put me to ask "so much". 

all in all, i feel safe if i get to decide wisely appropriate to my parents' ways not that i am a spoilt princess who barely able to tie my own shoelaces rather they are my best guideline. i am serious when i say that things are hard when i don't talk to them from time to time. i am thankful that they are the ones who stay at every angles of my life, working and sweating for me and my siblings. it's hard for me to stay away from home for so damn long but i remember that it's also hard for them to count days everyday waiting for us to come back home, worrying all the time if anything may harm us from a distance. it's a fair anxiety.

literally a step away from the middle of the year. i'm pampering the thought of june as the month of "releasing". i'm at ease thinking i'd be back home but that, of course, after trials and tribulations. so i've been molding myself up in the library these past few weeks it's my second home. there are a few relevant reasons for me to mention that first, crazy fast internet access, also, comfortable "weather" vis-a-vis my room at dorm, plus, personal space all to myself as i get to choose where i want to land, where i want to charge my laptop, how long do i want to let my bones freeze to death without following any asses from behind or any sides like i don't already have countless things to keep up with. from time to time, i grow only to care less about the idea of being among the cliques people hardly believe will uplift them more than being solitary well bullshit ladies and gentlemen. it's attitude that matters. there come times when i feel tired or plainly annoyed dealing with people especially the difficult ones. not everyone has "that" attitude but i face some who really turn my days blue and i just have to protect myself from those poisonous pests (i just have to, repeat). another thing is i don't have time or at least i don't owe any of my fucking time to dance among them so i'm thinking i'm better off with ordinary hardcore solitude, damn i'm right, case's closed. reaffirmation, i still need people in my life, i love being around people but the paradox is i cannot rely on them all the time (you get betrayed, annoyed sometimes for no good reasons well enough is enough) and time is a living proof of how experiences teach me (and you) that it's a matter of choice in managing our own life. you define, you decide.

attending dr. elizabeth's class for the first time a few weeks ago was not a waste. i probably regret if i were to drop her session and that's how strong i believe it's going to work. we don't always have to listen to what we want to hear and that's what she's doing and i respect that. i need that, in fact. all this time, enough with sweet words or whatsoever because we need the taste of ugly truths from time to time and outgrow them. i think that's the best way to learn. perhaps it's way too early to put some deep definitions on her session. there are yet some more weeks to pass and i'm hardcore stayin'. now, now, a draft posted since who knows. 

july is another focus, another present. can't wait. for the time being, i'm good compared to the first day. it takes a whole lot of me to adapt again. anxiety and its friends, damn good playing inside of my head. my blood feels weird, my skin feels further. we're no longer staying inside campus and things somehow change. highway is a just a step away it might sounds cool except the distinct noises (that recede when i'm soo into my stuffs). given small town lights and everything i am sane enough to know that it's not a bad place after all. no more lazy (blessed) sunday kind of makes me feel forbidden from the things i've normally done but here's it's just different. telling other people how odd it is is like facing a plain wall, futile. for a couple more months, let me just bury it. thinking about the rest of the months being here, well, they say we should break off of our shell and that it's good to see the world sometimes, i'm well aware. it takes another reason for me to be grateful because some souls prolly want it so this is a significant attachment. only this morning did i stumble upon an old thought. i'm not going to clarify it out because it is still unnecessary. my only wish is so that it will happen someday. that being said, work hard and scream. oh, i need to do some personal research.

i think it's true when you keep so much inside, it's going to burst out wild. your body gets hot, your heart can't feel right. it's scary and uneasy. the thing is, "scary and uneasy" comes in both lanes. you keep it inside, you're going to suffer alone. you let it bare outside, you're going to have the taste of the world. but i am still alive because God has mercy and He helps me get through the impossibility. that being said, i am a grateful tiny beanstalk. and i also think that's why "it's okay" exists. well it's okay to choose whether you want to let it out or hold back because the answer can't always be right. impossibility comes with possibility. with the right people, the right place, a heart who cares will fathom. it's just that, people lose track too. people misunderstood what necessary and unnecessary. it's okay, there's a lifetime to learn.

it's the kind of electric that everybody wants when they thought that the world is a black hole. it's the kind of warmth that a piece of blanket could offer to an extent at zero degree. it's the kind of delight that hovers and carried by the wind of april spring. it's the kind of magic that stops the time and pulls you closer to the future. it's the kind of newborn that makes people jump and fall on the ground, laughing. it's the kind of melody, so silent, jazzy, that brings cheer even to the back of your ears. it's the kind of addiction that lays no harm but paradise. it's the kind of flip that makes your stomach yell out of serenity. it's the kind of anxiety that reduces itself decrementally, effortlessly. it's the kind of strum at heart that makes the world go unheard, only the beating of your pulse, it's the kind of rain that put forth hope upon the light afterwards. it's the kind of lightning that magnetize the land at where you stand but you will never have to feel the pain. it's the kind of naught that means everything.

it only takes countless times to have a good talk (long one) with my sister. we have grown up big to discuss how life could be a good party or plain dirty box. growing up being, mostly, an observant (and ignorant), people have a good hard time to adapt with the things that i do. well, it's an open door. people can only see the slightest thing as an imperfection too. fine with that, done. also growing up not wanting to dissappoint people, it teaches me a lot. some people are never worth it. sometimes, i lose interest in filing up what people feel because i feel like i have put myself aside for so many times already. i'm not done with people (will never do) because people are atoms made up together and they mingle around us most of the time. especially when i'm studying far off south (so far in my life) and across the sea, i have met and made a lot of new friends. new bond is quite of a scary thing too because i don't know them (yet) but i have to pull myself away from my imagination that they are going to kill me or something. in the middle of semester break, i have collected great moments i couldn't be happier. keeping in touch with people who are truly concerned, very sublime.

made my way quite this far, it might be the best (or not) but life has no definite shape and i have my own unique patterns. we drive our own car and hold on to the steering wheel ever so wisely. other interpretation, we lead our own way and hold on to our faith undoubtedly. when moth calls me butterfly, i would have to cling on it. that assures how i live in an imaginary world at the same time; i do believe that i have wings to carry me when i suck at living. but here's the thing fella. real world and imaginary world can be a good pack. 

living in this harsh and filthy world, we can still put a smile on our face. we smile because it's funny. we smile because it's so funny how absurdity means a lot than we have ever thought. we smile because we have outgrown certain circumstances. we smile because we manage to indulge in the warmth that we distinctly deserved (while roaming, thinking we are undeserved). we smile because some people are not so bad after all.

living in our imaginary world, we have put forth our soul into something that is unseen. however unseen and deep, we are able to rise, so that's a secret star. so many passions kept inside, shared cautiously, well, imaginary world knows them best. it's so special that we have to work hard to portray the things that we love genuinely and stuffs that we want to do despite the uncertainty that comes along. oh the time that never guarantees us anything, trust me.

through it all, we still step forward right? we must progress. i must.

at this time around, i  need my own space to do more of my own contemplation and of course, revision. i'm currently in a room where my fingers are freezing like dead. but it's a fine place (or getaway) for me to mind my own things without feeling bothered all the time. sometimes, that's the thing about living inside a dorm. which in my case, the fan is not working well and i'm intrigued to sleep all the time. mentally, i'm also not in need of talking to people because i'm at a point where "what are you doing?" could've just ruined my entire day. i know that this is a temporary feeling and it could've also ended in no time but right now, no, i don't need bullshit.

"the beginning is always the hardest", they said. and it's true for a freshman like me. who would've expected things would fall on you like an avalanche, yes, all at the same time. considering so many people whom i cannot trust or even relied on upon anything, i'm left to my own devices and that's okay. there are people whom i can have a deep conversation with during my fallouts and it is sublime but all talks and let-outs are futile as long as the things that need to be done are not crossed off yet. so, there are freaking three days left to finish a bad amount of assignments and i'm almost drowning but at the same time i would have to put my trust on those people whom i mentioned earlier, cannot buy my trust. i just can't, but i have to. 

these fucking group assignments, ugh. 

it's true that most of our attitudes; the way we see life, the way we respond to bullshits, our perspective towards something so simple, the way we hold back, we cope best from our parents (i apologize if this reminds you of anything sad or other such things). i don't dare saying everything i say is compatible with what you expect or what you have dwelled in mind but as a daughter who was always at home before life started to get "real", i am close to my parents. when i started to enter college and currently having a position to say a university student, i find interesting things about myself. whatever that i'm doing regardless of places i go, people i mingle with, i always "return" to my parents. 

"what is mommy going to say if i buy these expensive foods?"

"how is daddy going to react if i participate in this event?"

"if mommy's here, she's going to say this and that"

"is this house good enough to rent? mommy will check on every corners of the house to see what's wrong and what's nice and the hell she's not going to leave the owner without truckload of questions to answer and negotiate"

"i wonder what's daddy going to say....."

right up there, mono conversations that i cannot dodge everytime i have to deal with different occurences. more interestingly, when it comes to sweet romance that everyone desires, i run into thinking of words that i have successfully paid attention to from my parents. ever fucking since, i learn a hell lot of things about effort. no effort, not worthy enough. that's just life man. and effort, it takes both sides. it's psychologically true that if someone wants you bad enough (and he/she is not a psychopath), he/she will be there for you sincerely. "sincerity" is kind of complex to prove because it's very personal but what i know for sure is when someone's on it, it will glow and i will know. falling in love is easy but staying for what love truly means, it takes maturity. i pray so that i can tango with a man who is not just genuine in actions but intentions too. by genuine, i mean mature and sustainable. life has never put me to ask "so much". 

all in all, i feel safe if i get to decide wisely appropriate to my parents' ways not that i am a spoilt princess who barely able to tie my own shoelaces rather they are my best guideline. i am serious when i say that things are hard when i don't talk to them from time to time. i am thankful that they are the ones who stay at every angles of my life, working and sweating for me and my siblings. it's hard for me to stay away from home for so damn long but i remember that it's also hard for them to count days everyday waiting for us to come back home, worrying all the time if anything may harm us from a distance. it's a fair anxiety.

literally a step away from the middle of the year. i'm pampering the thought of june as the month of "releasing". i'm at ease thinking i'd be back home but that, of course, after trials and tribulations. so i've been molding myself up in the library these past few weeks it's my second home. there are a few relevant reasons for me to mention that first, crazy fast internet access, also, comfortable "weather" vis-a-vis my room at dorm, plus, personal space all to myself as i get to choose where i want to land, where i want to charge my laptop, how long do i want to let my bones freeze to death without following any asses from behind or any sides like i don't already have countless things to keep up with. from time to time, i grow only to care less about the idea of being among the cliques people hardly believe will uplift them more than being solitary well bullshit ladies and gentlemen. it's attitude that matters. there come times when i feel tired or plainly annoyed dealing with people especially the difficult ones. not everyone has "that" attitude but i face some who really turn my days blue and i just have to protect myself from those poisonous pests (i just have to, repeat). another thing is i don't have time or at least i don't owe any of my fucking time to dance among them so i'm thinking i'm better off with ordinary hardcore solitude, damn i'm right, case's closed. reaffirmation, i still need people in my life, i love being around people but the paradox is i cannot rely on them all the time (you get betrayed, annoyed sometimes for no good reasons well enough is enough) and time is a living proof of how experiences teach me (and you) that it's a matter of choice in managing our own life. you define, you decide.

attending dr. elizabeth's class for the first time a few weeks ago was not a waste. i probably regret if i were to drop her session and that's how strong i believe it's going to work. we don't always have to listen to what we want to hear and that's what she's doing and i respect that. i need that, in fact. all this time, enough with sweet words or whatsoever because we need the taste of ugly truths from time to time and outgrow them. i think that's the best way to learn. perhaps it's way too early to put some deep definitions on her session. there are yet some more weeks to pass and i'm hardcore stayin'. now, now, a draft posted since who knows. 

july is another focus, another present. can't wait. for the time being, i'm good compared to the first day. it takes a whole lot of me to adapt again. anxiety and its friends, damn good playing inside of my head. my blood feels weird, my skin feels further. we're no longer staying inside campus and things somehow change. highway is a just a step away it might sounds cool except the distinct noises (that recede when i'm soo into my stuffs). given small town lights and everything i am sane enough to know that it's not a bad place after all. no more lazy (blessed) sunday kind of makes me feel forbidden from the things i've normally done but here's it's just different. telling other people how odd it is is like facing a plain wall, futile. for a couple more months, let me just bury it. thinking about the rest of the months being here, well, they say we should break off of our shell and that it's good to see the world sometimes, i'm well aware. it takes another reason for me to be grateful because some souls prolly want it so this is a significant attachment. only this morning did i stumble upon an old thought. i'm not going to clarify it out because it is still unnecessary. my only wish is so that it will happen someday. that being said, work hard and scream. oh, i need to do some personal research.

i think it's true when you keep so much inside, it's going to burst out wild. your body gets hot, your heart can't feel right. it's scary and uneasy. the thing is, "scary and uneasy" comes in both lanes. you keep it inside, you're going to suffer alone. you let it bare outside, you're going to have the taste of the world. but i am still alive because God has mercy and He helps me get through the impossibility. that being said, i am a grateful tiny beanstalk. and i also think that's why "it's okay" exists. well it's okay to choose whether you want to let it out or hold back because the answer can't always be right. impossibility comes with possibility. with the right people, the right place, a heart who cares will fathom. it's just that, people lose track too. people misunderstood what necessary and unnecessary. it's okay, there's a lifetime to learn.

it's the kind of electric that everybody wants when they thought that the world is a black hole. it's the kind of warmth that a piece of blanket could offer to an extent at zero degree. it's the kind of delight that hovers and carried by the wind of april spring. it's the kind of magic that stops the time and pulls you closer to the future. it's the kind of newborn that makes people jump and fall on the ground, laughing. it's the kind of melody, so silent, jazzy, that brings cheer even to the back of your ears. it's the kind of addiction that lays no harm but paradise. it's the kind of flip that makes your stomach yell out of serenity. it's the kind of anxiety that reduces itself decrementally, effortlessly. it's the kind of strum at heart that makes the world go unheard, only the beating of your pulse, it's the kind of rain that put forth hope upon the light afterwards. it's the kind of lightning that magnetize the land at where you stand but you will never have to feel the pain. it's the kind of naught that means everything.

it only takes countless times to have a good talk (long one) with my sister. we have grown up big to discuss how life could be a good party or plain dirty box. growing up being, mostly, an observant (and ignorant), people have a good hard time to adapt with the things that i do. well, it's an open door. people can only see the slightest thing as an imperfection too. fine with that, done. also growing up not wanting to dissappoint people, it teaches me a lot. some people are never worth it. sometimes, i lose interest in filing up what people feel because i feel like i have put myself aside for so many times already. i'm not done with people (will never do) because people are atoms made up together and they mingle around us most of the time. especially when i'm studying far off south (so far in my life) and across the sea, i have met and made a lot of new friends. new bond is quite of a scary thing too because i don't know them (yet) but i have to pull myself away from my imagination that they are going to kill me or something. in the middle of semester break, i have collected great moments i couldn't be happier. keeping in touch with people who are truly concerned, very sublime.

made my way quite this far, it might be the best (or not) but life has no definite shape and i have my own unique patterns. we drive our own car and hold on to the steering wheel ever so wisely. other interpretation, we lead our own way and hold on to our faith undoubtedly. when moth calls me butterfly, i would have to cling on it. that assures how i live in an imaginary world at the same time; i do believe that i have wings to carry me when i suck at living. but here's the thing fella. real world and imaginary world can be a good pack. 

living in this harsh and filthy world, we can still put a smile on our face. we smile because it's funny. we smile because it's so funny how absurdity means a lot than we have ever thought. we smile because we have outgrown certain circumstances. we smile because we manage to indulge in the warmth that we distinctly deserved (while roaming, thinking we are undeserved). we smile because some people are not so bad after all.

living in our imaginary world, we have put forth our soul into something that is unseen. however unseen and deep, we are able to rise, so that's a secret star. so many passions kept inside, shared cautiously, well, imaginary world knows them best. it's so special that we have to work hard to portray the things that we love genuinely and stuffs that we want to do despite the uncertainty that comes along. oh the time that never guarantees us anything, trust me.

through it all, we still step forward right? we must progress. i must.

at this time around, i  need my own space to do more of my own contemplation and of course, revision. i'm currently in a room where my fingers are freezing like dead. but it's a fine place (or getaway) for me to mind my own things without feeling bothered all the time. sometimes, that's the thing about living inside a dorm. which in my case, the fan is not working well and i'm intrigued to sleep all the time. mentally, i'm also not in need of talking to people because i'm at a point where "what are you doing?" could've just ruined my entire day. i know that this is a temporary feeling and it could've also ended in no time but right now, no, i don't need bullshit.

"the beginning is always the hardest", they said. and it's true for a freshman like me. who would've expected things would fall on you like an avalanche, yes, all at the same time. considering so many people whom i cannot trust or even relied on upon anything, i'm left to my own devices and that's okay. there are people whom i can have a deep conversation with during my fallouts and it is sublime but all talks and let-outs are futile as long as the things that need to be done are not crossed off yet. so, there are freaking three days left to finish a bad amount of assignments and i'm almost drowning but at the same time i would have to put my trust on those people whom i mentioned earlier, cannot buy my trust. i just can't, but i have to. 

these fucking group assignments, ugh.