apparently my body, my mind and my soul fail to cooperate now as to why i am still awake. i slept for 16 damn hours yesterday, that's first (sleeping goal). secondly, i had a mini make over session just now so i feel pretty fresh even more after having my face washed. 

nonetheless, my mind has been dwelling on so many things at the same time. some days feel vacant, some other full of thrills and wonders. i realize that i have stepped forward a lot more than i have imagined needless to say the changes that i go through, that i am willing to take, welcoming them evenly - all in which i may reconcile or shrug after years to come. i am the happiest over small fruits that have sparked in my journey because they really do smell good and make me want to step forward even more, of course, striving for something better (the best), all that i am acutely deserving of. there's no stopping! days when i feel tired, dull and insipid, they are in a cycle. days when i am full of emotions scare me out and these are just some of the fears that squeeze me badly sometimes. responsibilities in life started to cling on me and this shall not wear me off already! 

like any other study weeks, i am so anxious. i am in a battle with my own schedule right now and i feel like i am running out of fuel quite instantly nowadays. i foresee, "time of the month". anyway, i am only hoping for the best in my upcoming papers. i cannot wait to end this semester.

i finally feel relieved especially that i get to wake up today, feeling much better and pretty much recovered from forever-runny-nose. the weather right now is one that i adore especially when i get to stay at home. it makes me think of countless different things all at once. one moment you are revising and the other moment you dive into the ocean. i feel it all the time. sometimes it can be overwhelming. i honestly think that i have all the responsibilities in the world to take care of myself but at one point or two i have carelessly overlooked and overthought things. i am a firm believer that a stumble or two won't kill me. when i did, it really was a torture and i felt terrible, other time i had gotten past it quite easily. but that's the inconstancy in life. nothing is quite constant, like people. i love remembering how i did not excessively rely on people because i simply do not want to, well i still do. but i get to the point where i am weak and looking down in which it is possible to ask whether it is loneliness in general or simply me at my worst. finally getting the taste of 20-ish, i bet there's more to life other than the mere thought of loneliness in which i define as weak goals and incapacity of understanding myself opposing the way that i should have understood better. sometimes it requires double of our effort to learn the art of being a human. we are solely us. what we decide to think or what we decide to do is as much impactful as thunder during the rain. i pray so that i always find light in every darkness. amen.

oh if i ever ever ever tried to stay away from "you" (this could be anyone of any names that are not worthy of your guesses), i really meant it. it's true that negative vibe really gets to the worst of you and i only let it reach my best for all reasons, by staying away and let 'em decide to stay buried in their unawareness. it's true that i am also bad at explaining why i keep astray from certain people because i simply thought it's wasting my time. i don't do shits like "you know what, you have bad attitude and you should change" "oh i think your actions are going to make the devils puke" "your actions are the most insincere i have ever stumbled upon". guys, some thoughts are simply processed, coming out of our nerves only to be kept wisely inside so that we know how to react next. for me, i'll just keep calm, observe and walk away while contemplating that i am not going to be like those people i am avoiding from ain't nobody going to downgrade me, sayonara.

turned out, it was already my last goodbye to quai quai when i left home two weeks ago. out of my capability to put it according to my order, goodbye counts no men. dogs mean so much to me like i am emotionally attached to them not because they are just pets, they are family. they are not always nice but they are full of truths and sincerity needless to say when they are obedient, they put you to cloud 9. for that, i have always been one of the luckiest to feel the gift of petting dogs (and not hating or fearing them due to some kind of phobia to be specific). 

there are   some possibilities  on how quai quai reached her last pulse, given, i was told through a phone call that there's a cut on her chest but it was not a big cut and she bled which is already a terrible thing for me to register. most probably, the cut ran deep and caused her heart to stop abruptly despite the small size of cut. quai quai might have also ran over something sharp like steel wire fence that has sharp endings following its length. on the other hand, my elder sister believes that quai quai had been beaten by somebody. if that's even 0.5% true, i would not be able to look at that particular somebody's face the same anymore because how could you?! why this is not only a mere possibility in our own small case, it's happening in the whole world where immoral people murdered animals without sympathy and enough chances to change their mind in doing so oh you name all the reasons in the world and i can guarantee you those reasons are already stupid enough to be even put some thoughts after. 

on top of all, quai quai had been our best lovable dog ever. she had her own wave and rage when she's alive but she's the brightest and standing for all qualities, provided me a very personal pat-at-the-back as i always felt supported when she played along by my side and wagged her tail like there's no tomorrow. last holiday, she did not fail to show her motherly trait even towards newborn puppies that are not hers you can picture she just let the puppies milked after her opposing the natural rule where dogs usually keep astrayed from milking other dogs' puppies. she was so patient and like any other dogs do, anticipated with their owner i could never felt better. 

the happiness that quai quai brought to me and my family in 4 years is going to leave immortal flowers in our heart. you are good over there. you will always be remembered sweet little boo.

hooking up at the gate as i turned around. it has always been that tiny clingy attitude and the noise of engine that make my heart plummet. locking door and gates, wanting to leave them whatever and just run towards that maddeningly apple of my eye. slowly still, relaxed at his voice cord which is just a whole good chapter. like the first time we did when we were strangers, we embraced each other to translate "i miss you too". i cannot fathom the way he opened the passenger door, or maybe i was just choosing not to understand it because i felt, more or less, ecstatic and well-treated (for the infinite of times). a simple gesture could have just blown my arse away. we were nonchalant as we picked the most random topic ever to start with and write the journey, needless to say, that's what i like the most. while i can choose other verb, he's hot when he's cautious on the road. did not intend to stay long on the road and we rushed for the tickets because uncle jack. we rushed to dine as he was hungry and i was half-hungry, frankly. another bright ring because i love doing the rush with him. wise tickets spent, uncle jack was fine because practically we had some big fat laughs trailing along. wise tickets. the need to head back to the small part of the city always felt like a long dot and we're being nonchalant again so it was not less of a magic. i wanted to ensure that life is blessed without thinking too much about the bedding but it really needed the dobby, thus, dobby's next. eating "outside cake" while waiting, surprisingly comforted by every inch of our proximity. done within just a small portion of the big conversation, we walked home, as usual. it rained lightly but it's the kind of midnight walk that i should need quite honestly. you see we're not done with the big conversation, we stopped by the ristorante. stupidly saying the rains look like snow, sipping our ice tea, binding the thread of conversation again. he touched the "constellation" in which he used to say talents. i coloured, i think. perhaps both of us almost denied the time but morning might come abruptly. so, here we go to the door and gates, the beginning of every journey. assuring each other all is well, rest is necessary, marked a cross on our face, also, embraced. man, it's a night.

p.s.   i have never really calculated it precisely but i know that even a calculator has no right or position to determine the picture. days could be long, long enough to pull in the emotion and words-to-die-for. again, it never really matters. i care for what it takes to move forward in  a way that wheels need to do their job. i realize that i just miss him everyday and i smile for what we are.

are we all not addicted to something?

today my sister told me about a documentary of a celebrity that she has watched an invisible years ago, "in a surprisingly anticipated manner", as she claimed; the late amy winehouse. personally, it's a name that i never give a damn with, her music that i never pay attention to and just about anything, i know nothing about her. probably a bit sensitive to talk too much about a person who is no longer living, thus, i'll make it easy. based on the documentary, the late amy winehouse passed away due to her fatal addiction, alcohol and drugs. to second this, i have just googled her legitimate cause of death seconds ago and it is "alcohol intoxication".

addiction; the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing or activity, dependency, habit, devotion, etc. do we have control over our addiction?

based on my personal dictionary in my android, the weight of addiction is negative. this sounds like a bad news. leaving the bad news, let's get back to a simple representation. you love cycling. you have so many friends cycling over the weekend. you buy a bicycle. you learn everything about cycling; skills, cycling athletes, competitions. you cycle once in a week. you cycle almost everyday out of a week. you feel extraordinary to finally be able to fit in the cyclers circle. you accept their invitation to participate in a cycling competition. you didn't win. you participate in another competition. you win. you are adored (or at least you started adoring yourself). you figure that it's not enough. you follow up with countless other competitions regardless of the school timing or working time, parents' advices, money invested and even the circle of cycling friends you have first felt like everything, you no longer have time to mingle with like every other ordinary day. this is where the bad news formulate its comeback. you are tired and barely have time for your loved ones. you need sleep more than anything you become ferocious over anyone even a person who tries to tell you to eat according to time. you become ignorant and soon enough, people set astray from your world. while all of these are being formulated without your 100% conscious heart and colours, you're losing what it takes and this goes back to tell us that addiction is actually a competition between us and whatever we are devoted to. simply because, we feel like we're not enough; for whatever reason it may have rooted after. 

i do believe that if we prioritize well and better everyday, we can manage addiction. that, if we know the weight of our actions better, we can overcome our reckless devotion. before we got attached with something or somebody, we profoundly need to remind ourselves that the string of attachment can strangle us too. we can be ever passionate about our job, hobbies and our loved ones but we cannot mistake addiction with passion. addiction is simply putting our virtues off at one corner in a manner of losing ourselves while passion is full of patience and comprehension of what is right (although not easy), not only for our own sake but other people's too. 

it was to my f.a.q. when i heard past something so obscure that day. more or so, i'm a believer of effort. not distant from being a solo enthusiast, it has always been the core of my backbone and i have never been so content knowing i'm living after a name that is far from perfect yet solidly standing free and still against the roughness only everyone is imminent of. layered with walls of whys, just why? and so i flowed (considering i was a stream) and flew through, yet again, having nothing to take into account for some more invisible period, oblivious whether i was still fond of calculating or was it just a false translation saying i was still, watching? like a stone thrown into the water causing a ripple, surprise, how unknowingly someone could be and that was me. a ripple, what a change it could extend and i was comforted, solidly standing free and still, still, shook after a stick of anxiety. i was mediocre but that, God, help me, surpassed my own comprehension of biology, of beauty, of romance, of a child that i am. sometimes i was helpless, pretty massively helpless. to all unanswered sequels that had finally came into one, for the mercy that i well-known deserving of, life felt breezy and i was lifted. a discovery that was made of mazes, you should be scared! resolved with what i believed in so strong, the castle is ours.   

jump into cold water and let life beats like your pulse. 

that's the best thought i could pinpoint this early january and i could (and would) live up to that everyday because nothing's so beautiful than being reckless and so attempting at being right (uhm, wise). yesteryears, they were damn good. but sometimes we get sick of the old songs. while i cherish most parts fondly, i calculate and eliminate rotten fruits. i have white evidences of learning past lessons and cheers to whatever that have conspired to help me clear my sights because ezee has    no time for useless degradation.    ezee is looking forward to a journey of    wondrous moments    despite the flaws she would undertake. 

well well let's see if there are more positive vibes.

rolling back to december, i celebrated Christmas without my biological family. it's upsetting to see family photo without my head and limbs and soul in it needless to say holding the annual event together and just feeeeel it at the moment you know what i mean. but out of the haystack, i had my precious significant other close with me jingling the day (days) so, zero worries. God, thank you, he is my firework (i am actually listening to some fireworks bursting out there seriously). towards getting a step away from another age, i have decided staying away from home for half of the year is not bad after all. it's true, it has been fun with a number of people i met and gotten closer with, the unexpectants i could behold and put in my happy list, but above all, i get to make myself pass the countless of times i felt anxious and unworthy with me standing on my own two feet. the foundation though, comes back to where i belong. in just one week, home it is.

it's correct that i wish certain things in my life were different but i have no absolute control on them so i ponder on the possibilities instead but, that too, is rough water. over time, my eyes are opened even wider my eyeballs are going to pop out. i have always loved to talk about this thing but never really had a chance to (and i feel insecure to talk about it with my friends). hence i've been only doing the talk with my inner self, amazed by the littlest of detail like everytime. i realise that i have certain anwers coming to me without even i'm asking for them in a rush. those are the answers to some particular wonderings in my head that have been dwelling for quite some time. i have even more believed now that when we don't force things, they'll come effortlessly (certain list of things), surprise us in a manner that even a fucking alarm cannot do. now, now, God be with us. He is so majestic in His own ways. His kindness and consideration are incomparable. perhaps when we often come out looking for the things that we first thought worthy, they are just not! hurrily passing more worthy junctions or signs and time only slip away in the name of our own impatience. this is not only for me but also for you who spare an amount of time reading this far; we need God and He's already answered our cries and fears in silent because He's humble and gentle now it's a matter of seeing through our own actions and the path that we consciously choose.

it's true that most of our attitudes; the way we see life, the way we respond to bullshits, our perspective towards something so simple, the way we hold back, we cope best from our parents (i apologize if this reminds you of anything sad or other such things). i don't dare saying everything i say is compatible with what you expect or what you have dwelled in mind but as a daughter who was always at home before life started to get "real", i am close to my parents. when i started to enter college and currently having a position to say a university student, i find interesting things about myself. whatever that i'm doing regardless of places i go, people i mingle with, i always "return" to my parents. 

"what is mommy going to say if i buy these expensive foods?"

"how is daddy going to react if i participate in this event?"

"if mommy's here, she's going to say this and that"

"is this house good enough to rent? mommy will check on every corners of the house to see what's wrong and what's nice and the hell she's not going to leave the owner without truckload of questions to answer and negotiate"

"i wonder what's daddy going to say....."

right up there, mono conversations that i cannot dodge everytime i have to deal with different occurences. more interestingly, when it comes to sweet romance that everyone desires, i run into thinking of words that i have successfully paid attention to from my parents. ever fucking since, i learn a hell lot of things about effort. no effort, not worthy enough. that's just life man. and effort, it takes both sides. it's psychologically true that if someone wants you bad enough (and he/she is not a psychopath), he/she will be there for you sincerely. "sincerity" is kind of complex to prove because it's very personal but what i know for sure is when someone's on it, it will glow and i will know. falling in love is easy but staying for what love truly means, it takes maturity. i pray so that i can tango with a man who is not just genuine in actions but intentions too. by genuine, i mean mature and sustainable. life has never put me to ask "so much". 

all in all, i feel safe if i get to decide wisely appropriate to my parents' ways not that i am a spoilt princess who barely able to tie my own shoelaces rather they are my best guideline. i am serious when i say that things are hard when i don't talk to them from time to time. i am thankful that they are the ones who stay at every angles of my life, working and sweating for me and my siblings. it's hard for me to stay away from home for so damn long but i remember that it's also hard for them to count days everyday waiting for us to come back home, worrying all the time if anything may harm us from a distance. it's a fair anxiety.

literally a step away from the middle of the year. i'm pampering the thought of june as the month of "releasing". i'm at ease thinking i'd be back home but that, of course, after trials and tribulations. so i've been molding myself up in the library these past few weeks it's my second home. there are a few relevant reasons for me to mention that first, crazy fast internet access, also, comfortable "weather" vis-a-vis my room at dorm, plus, personal space all to myself as i get to choose where i want to land, where i want to charge my laptop, how long do i want to let my bones freeze to death without following any asses from behind or any sides like i don't already have countless things to keep up with. from time to time, i grow only to care less about the idea of being among the cliques people hardly believe will uplift them more than being solitary well bullshit ladies and gentlemen. it's attitude that matters. there come times when i feel tired or plainly annoyed dealing with people especially the difficult ones. not everyone has "that" attitude but i face some who really turn my days blue and i just have to protect myself from those poisonous pests (i just have to, repeat). another thing is i don't have time or at least i don't owe any of my fucking time to dance among them so i'm thinking i'm better off with ordinary hardcore solitude, damn i'm right, case's closed. reaffirmation, i still need people in my life, i love being around people but the paradox is i cannot rely on them all the time (you get betrayed, annoyed sometimes for no good reasons well enough is enough) and time is a living proof of how experiences teach me (and you) that it's a matter of choice in managing our own life. you define, you decide.

attending dr. elizabeth's class for the first time a few weeks ago was not a waste. i probably regret if i were to drop her session and that's how strong i believe it's going to work. we don't always have to listen to what we want to hear and that's what she's doing and i respect that. i need that, in fact. all this time, enough with sweet words or whatsoever because we need the taste of ugly truths from time to time and outgrow them. i think that's the best way to learn. perhaps it's way too early to put some deep definitions on her session. there are yet some more weeks to pass and i'm hardcore stayin'. now, now, a draft posted since who knows. 

july is another focus, another present. can't wait. for the time being, i'm good compared to the first day. it takes a whole lot of me to adapt again. anxiety and its friends, damn good playing inside of my head. my blood feels weird, my skin feels further. we're no longer staying inside campus and things somehow change. highway is a just a step away it might sounds cool except the distinct noises (that recede when i'm soo into my stuffs). given small town lights and everything i am sane enough to know that it's not a bad place after all. no more lazy (blessed) sunday kind of makes me feel forbidden from the things i've normally done but here's it's just different. telling other people how odd it is is like facing a plain wall, futile. for a couple more months, let me just bury it. thinking about the rest of the months being here, well, they say we should break off of our shell and that it's good to see the world sometimes, i'm well aware. it takes another reason for me to be grateful because some souls prolly want it so this is a significant attachment. only this morning did i stumble upon an old thought. i'm not going to clarify it out because it is still unnecessary. my only wish is so that it will happen someday. that being said, work hard and scream. oh, i need to do some personal research.

i think it's true when you keep so much inside, it's going to burst out wild. your body gets hot, your heart can't feel right. it's scary and uneasy. the thing is, "scary and uneasy" comes in both lanes. you keep it inside, you're going to suffer alone. you let it bare outside, you're going to have the taste of the world. but i am still alive because God has mercy and He helps me get through the impossibility. that being said, i am a grateful tiny beanstalk. and i also think that's why "it's okay" exists. well it's okay to choose whether you want to let it out or hold back because the answer can't always be right. impossibility comes with possibility. with the right people, the right place, a heart who cares will fathom. it's just that, people lose track too. people misunderstood what necessary and unnecessary. it's okay, there's a lifetime to learn.

it's the kind of electric that everybody wants when they thought that the world is a black hole. it's the kind of warmth that a piece of blanket could offer to an extent at zero degree. it's the kind of delight that hovers and carried by the wind of april spring. it's the kind of magic that stops the time and pulls you closer to the future. it's the kind of newborn that makes people jump and fall on the ground, laughing. it's the kind of melody, so silent, jazzy, that brings cheer even to the back of your ears. it's the kind of addiction that lays no harm but paradise. it's the kind of flip that makes your stomach yell out of serenity. it's the kind of anxiety that reduces itself decrementally, effortlessly. it's the kind of strum at heart that makes the world go unheard, only the beating of your pulse, it's the kind of rain that put forth hope upon the light afterwards. it's the kind of lightning that magnetize the land at where you stand but you will never have to feel the pain. it's the kind of naught that means everything.

it only takes countless times to have a good talk (long one) with my sister. we have grown up big to discuss how life could be a good party or plain dirty box. growing up being, mostly, an observant (and ignorant), people have a good hard time to adapt with the things that i do. well, it's an open door. people can only see the slightest thing as an imperfection too. fine with that, done. also growing up not wanting to dissappoint people, it teaches me a lot. some people are never worth it. sometimes, i lose interest in filing up what people feel because i feel like i have put myself aside for so many times already. i'm not done with people (will never do) because people are atoms made up together and they mingle around us most of the time. especially when i'm studying far off south (so far in my life) and across the sea, i have met and made a lot of new friends. new bond is quite of a scary thing too because i don't know them (yet) but i have to pull myself away from my imagination that they are going to kill me or something. in the middle of semester break, i have collected great moments i couldn't be happier. keeping in touch with people who are truly concerned, very sublime.

made my way quite this far, it might be the best (or not) but life has no definite shape and i have my own unique patterns. we drive our own car and hold on to the steering wheel ever so wisely. other interpretation, we lead our own way and hold on to our faith undoubtedly. when moth calls me butterfly, i would have to cling on it. that assures how i live in an imaginary world at the same time; i do believe that i have wings to carry me when i suck at living. but here's the thing fella. real world and imaginary world can be a good pack. 

living in this harsh and filthy world, we can still put a smile on our face. we smile because it's funny. we smile because it's so funny how absurdity means a lot than we have ever thought. we smile because we have outgrown certain circumstances. we smile because we manage to indulge in the warmth that we distinctly deserved (while roaming, thinking we are undeserved). we smile because some people are not so bad after all.

living in our imaginary world, we have put forth our soul into something that is unseen. however unseen and deep, we are able to rise, so that's a secret star. so many passions kept inside, shared cautiously, well, imaginary world knows them best. it's so special that we have to work hard to portray the things that we love genuinely and stuffs that we want to do despite the uncertainty that comes along. oh the time that never guarantees us anything, trust me.

through it all, we still step forward right? we must progress. i must.

at this time around, i  need my own space to do more of my own contemplation and of course, revision. i'm currently in a room where my fingers are freezing like dead. but it's a fine place (or getaway) for me to mind my own things without feeling bothered all the time. sometimes, that's the thing about living inside a dorm. which in my case, the fan is not working well and i'm intrigued to sleep all the time. mentally, i'm also not in need of talking to people because i'm at a point where "what are you doing?" could've just ruined my entire day. i know that this is a temporary feeling and it could've also ended in no time but right now, no, i don't need bullshit.

"the beginning is always the hardest", they said. and it's true for a freshman like me. who would've expected things would fall on you like an avalanche, yes, all at the same time. considering so many people whom i cannot trust or even relied on upon anything, i'm left to my own devices and that's okay. there are people whom i can have a deep conversation with during my fallouts and it is sublime but all talks and let-outs are futile as long as the things that need to be done are not crossed off yet. so, there are freaking three days left to finish a bad amount of assignments and i'm almost drowning but at the same time i would have to put my trust on those people whom i mentioned earlier, cannot buy my trust. i just can't, but i have to. 

these fucking group assignments, ugh. 

apparently my body, my mind and my soul fail to cooperate now as to why i am still awake. i slept for 16 damn hours yesterday, that's first (sleeping goal). secondly, i had a mini make over session just now so i feel pretty fresh even more after having my face washed. 

nonetheless, my mind has been dwelling on so many things at the same time. some days feel vacant, some other full of thrills and wonders. i realize that i have stepped forward a lot more than i have imagined needless to say the changes that i go through, that i am willing to take, welcoming them evenly - all in which i may reconcile or shrug after years to come. i am the happiest over small fruits that have sparked in my journey because they really do smell good and make me want to step forward even more, of course, striving for something better (the best), all that i am acutely deserving of. there's no stopping! days when i feel tired, dull and insipid, they are in a cycle. days when i am full of emotions scare me out and these are just some of the fears that squeeze me badly sometimes. responsibilities in life started to cling on me and this shall not wear me off already! 

like any other study weeks, i am so anxious. i am in a battle with my own schedule right now and i feel like i am running out of fuel quite instantly nowadays. i foresee, "time of the month". anyway, i am only hoping for the best in my upcoming papers. i cannot wait to end this semester.

i finally feel relieved especially that i get to wake up today, feeling much better and pretty much recovered from forever-runny-nose. the weather right now is one that i adore especially when i get to stay at home. it makes me think of countless different things all at once. one moment you are revising and the other moment you dive into the ocean. i feel it all the time. sometimes it can be overwhelming. i honestly think that i have all the responsibilities in the world to take care of myself but at one point or two i have carelessly overlooked and overthought things. i am a firm believer that a stumble or two won't kill me. when i did, it really was a torture and i felt terrible, other time i had gotten past it quite easily. but that's the inconstancy in life. nothing is quite constant, like people. i love remembering how i did not excessively rely on people because i simply do not want to, well i still do. but i get to the point where i am weak and looking down in which it is possible to ask whether it is loneliness in general or simply me at my worst. finally getting the taste of 20-ish, i bet there's more to life other than the mere thought of loneliness in which i define as weak goals and incapacity of understanding myself opposing the way that i should have understood better. sometimes it requires double of our effort to learn the art of being a human. we are solely us. what we decide to think or what we decide to do is as much impactful as thunder during the rain. i pray so that i always find light in every darkness. amen.

oh if i ever ever ever tried to stay away from "you" (this could be anyone of any names that are not worthy of your guesses), i really meant it. it's true that negative vibe really gets to the worst of you and i only let it reach my best for all reasons, by staying away and let 'em decide to stay buried in their unawareness. it's true that i am also bad at explaining why i keep astray from certain people because i simply thought it's wasting my time. i don't do shits like "you know what, you have bad attitude and you should change" "oh i think your actions are going to make the devils puke" "your actions are the most insincere i have ever stumbled upon". guys, some thoughts are simply processed, coming out of our nerves only to be kept wisely inside so that we know how to react next. for me, i'll just keep calm, observe and walk away while contemplating that i am not going to be like those people i am avoiding from ain't nobody going to downgrade me, sayonara.

turned out, it was already my last goodbye to quai quai when i left home two weeks ago. out of my capability to put it according to my order, goodbye counts no men. dogs mean so much to me like i am emotionally attached to them not because they are just pets, they are family. they are not always nice but they are full of truths and sincerity needless to say when they are obedient, they put you to cloud 9. for that, i have always been one of the luckiest to feel the gift of petting dogs (and not hating or fearing them due to some kind of phobia to be specific). 

there are   some possibilities  on how quai quai reached her last pulse, given, i was told through a phone call that there's a cut on her chest but it was not a big cut and she bled which is already a terrible thing for me to register. most probably, the cut ran deep and caused her heart to stop abruptly despite the small size of cut. quai quai might have also ran over something sharp like steel wire fence that has sharp endings following its length. on the other hand, my elder sister believes that quai quai had been beaten by somebody. if that's even 0.5% true, i would not be able to look at that particular somebody's face the same anymore because how could you?! why this is not only a mere possibility in our own small case, it's happening in the whole world where immoral people murdered animals without sympathy and enough chances to change their mind in doing so oh you name all the reasons in the world and i can guarantee you those reasons are already stupid enough to be even put some thoughts after. 

on top of all, quai quai had been our best lovable dog ever. she had her own wave and rage when she's alive but she's the brightest and standing for all qualities, provided me a very personal pat-at-the-back as i always felt supported when she played along by my side and wagged her tail like there's no tomorrow. last holiday, she did not fail to show her motherly trait even towards newborn puppies that are not hers you can picture she just let the puppies milked after her opposing the natural rule where dogs usually keep astrayed from milking other dogs' puppies. she was so patient and like any other dogs do, anticipated with their owner i could never felt better. 

the happiness that quai quai brought to me and my family in 4 years is going to leave immortal flowers in our heart. you are good over there. you will always be remembered sweet little boo.

hooking up at the gate as i turned around. it has always been that tiny clingy attitude and the noise of engine that make my heart plummet. locking door and gates, wanting to leave them whatever and just run towards that maddeningly apple of my eye. slowly still, relaxed at his voice cord which is just a whole good chapter. like the first time we did when we were strangers, we embraced each other to translate "i miss you too". i cannot fathom the way he opened the passenger door, or maybe i was just choosing not to understand it because i felt, more or less, ecstatic and well-treated (for the infinite of times). a simple gesture could have just blown my arse away. we were nonchalant as we picked the most random topic ever to start with and write the journey, needless to say, that's what i like the most. while i can choose other verb, he's hot when he's cautious on the road. did not intend to stay long on the road and we rushed for the tickets because uncle jack. we rushed to dine as he was hungry and i was half-hungry, frankly. another bright ring because i love doing the rush with him. wise tickets spent, uncle jack was fine because practically we had some big fat laughs trailing along. wise tickets. the need to head back to the small part of the city always felt like a long dot and we're being nonchalant again so it was not less of a magic. i wanted to ensure that life is blessed without thinking too much about the bedding but it really needed the dobby, thus, dobby's next. eating "outside cake" while waiting, surprisingly comforted by every inch of our proximity. done within just a small portion of the big conversation, we walked home, as usual. it rained lightly but it's the kind of midnight walk that i should need quite honestly. you see we're not done with the big conversation, we stopped by the ristorante. stupidly saying the rains look like snow, sipping our ice tea, binding the thread of conversation again. he touched the "constellation" in which he used to say talents. i coloured, i think. perhaps both of us almost denied the time but morning might come abruptly. so, here we go to the door and gates, the beginning of every journey. assuring each other all is well, rest is necessary, marked a cross on our face, also, embraced. man, it's a night.

p.s.   i have never really calculated it precisely but i know that even a calculator has no right or position to determine the picture. days could be long, long enough to pull in the emotion and words-to-die-for. again, it never really matters. i care for what it takes to move forward in  a way that wheels need to do their job. i realize that i just miss him everyday and i smile for what we are.

are we all not addicted to something?

today my sister told me about a documentary of a celebrity that she has watched an invisible years ago, "in a surprisingly anticipated manner", as she claimed; the late amy winehouse. personally, it's a name that i never give a damn with, her music that i never pay attention to and just about anything, i know nothing about her. probably a bit sensitive to talk too much about a person who is no longer living, thus, i'll make it easy. based on the documentary, the late amy winehouse passed away due to her fatal addiction, alcohol and drugs. to second this, i have just googled her legitimate cause of death seconds ago and it is "alcohol intoxication".

addiction; the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing or activity, dependency, habit, devotion, etc. do we have control over our addiction?

based on my personal dictionary in my android, the weight of addiction is negative. this sounds like a bad news. leaving the bad news, let's get back to a simple representation. you love cycling. you have so many friends cycling over the weekend. you buy a bicycle. you learn everything about cycling; skills, cycling athletes, competitions. you cycle once in a week. you cycle almost everyday out of a week. you feel extraordinary to finally be able to fit in the cyclers circle. you accept their invitation to participate in a cycling competition. you didn't win. you participate in another competition. you win. you are adored (or at least you started adoring yourself). you figure that it's not enough. you follow up with countless other competitions regardless of the school timing or working time, parents' advices, money invested and even the circle of cycling friends you have first felt like everything, you no longer have time to mingle with like every other ordinary day. this is where the bad news formulate its comeback. you are tired and barely have time for your loved ones. you need sleep more than anything you become ferocious over anyone even a person who tries to tell you to eat according to time. you become ignorant and soon enough, people set astray from your world. while all of these are being formulated without your 100% conscious heart and colours, you're losing what it takes and this goes back to tell us that addiction is actually a competition between us and whatever we are devoted to. simply because, we feel like we're not enough; for whatever reason it may have rooted after. 

i do believe that if we prioritize well and better everyday, we can manage addiction. that, if we know the weight of our actions better, we can overcome our reckless devotion. before we got attached with something or somebody, we profoundly need to remind ourselves that the string of attachment can strangle us too. we can be ever passionate about our job, hobbies and our loved ones but we cannot mistake addiction with passion. addiction is simply putting our virtues off at one corner in a manner of losing ourselves while passion is full of patience and comprehension of what is right (although not easy), not only for our own sake but other people's too. 

it was to my f.a.q. when i heard past something so obscure that day. more or so, i'm a believer of effort. not distant from being a solo enthusiast, it has always been the core of my backbone and i have never been so content knowing i'm living after a name that is far from perfect yet solidly standing free and still against the roughness only everyone is imminent of. layered with walls of whys, just why? and so i flowed (considering i was a stream) and flew through, yet again, having nothing to take into account for some more invisible period, oblivious whether i was still fond of calculating or was it just a false translation saying i was still, watching? like a stone thrown into the water causing a ripple, surprise, how unknowingly someone could be and that was me. a ripple, what a change it could extend and i was comforted, solidly standing free and still, still, shook after a stick of anxiety. i was mediocre but that, God, help me, surpassed my own comprehension of biology, of beauty, of romance, of a child that i am. sometimes i was helpless, pretty massively helpless. to all unanswered sequels that had finally came into one, for the mercy that i well-known deserving of, life felt breezy and i was lifted. a discovery that was made of mazes, you should be scared! resolved with what i believed in so strong, the castle is ours.   

jump into cold water and let life beats like your pulse. 

that's the best thought i could pinpoint this early january and i could (and would) live up to that everyday because nothing's so beautiful than being reckless and so attempting at being right (uhm, wise). yesteryears, they were damn good. but sometimes we get sick of the old songs. while i cherish most parts fondly, i calculate and eliminate rotten fruits. i have white evidences of learning past lessons and cheers to whatever that have conspired to help me clear my sights because ezee has    no time for useless degradation.    ezee is looking forward to a journey of    wondrous moments    despite the flaws she would undertake. 

well well let's see if there are more positive vibes.

rolling back to december, i celebrated Christmas without my biological family. it's upsetting to see family photo without my head and limbs and soul in it needless to say holding the annual event together and just feeeeel it at the moment you know what i mean. but out of the haystack, i had my precious significant other close with me jingling the day (days) so, zero worries. God, thank you, he is my firework (i am actually listening to some fireworks bursting out there seriously). towards getting a step away from another age, i have decided staying away from home for half of the year is not bad after all. it's true, it has been fun with a number of people i met and gotten closer with, the unexpectants i could behold and put in my happy list, but above all, i get to make myself pass the countless of times i felt anxious and unworthy with me standing on my own two feet. the foundation though, comes back to where i belong. in just one week, home it is.

it's correct that i wish certain things in my life were different but i have no absolute control on them so i ponder on the possibilities instead but, that too, is rough water. over time, my eyes are opened even wider my eyeballs are going to pop out. i have always loved to talk about this thing but never really had a chance to (and i feel insecure to talk about it with my friends). hence i've been only doing the talk with my inner self, amazed by the littlest of detail like everytime. i realise that i have certain anwers coming to me without even i'm asking for them in a rush. those are the answers to some particular wonderings in my head that have been dwelling for quite some time. i have even more believed now that when we don't force things, they'll come effortlessly (certain list of things), surprise us in a manner that even a fucking alarm cannot do. now, now, God be with us. He is so majestic in His own ways. His kindness and consideration are incomparable. perhaps when we often come out looking for the things that we first thought worthy, they are just not! hurrily passing more worthy junctions or signs and time only slip away in the name of our own impatience. this is not only for me but also for you who spare an amount of time reading this far; we need God and He's already answered our cries and fears in silent because He's humble and gentle now it's a matter of seeing through our own actions and the path that we consciously choose.

it's true that most of our attitudes; the way we see life, the way we respond to bullshits, our perspective towards something so simple, the way we hold back, we cope best from our parents (i apologize if this reminds you of anything sad or other such things). i don't dare saying everything i say is compatible with what you expect or what you have dwelled in mind but as a daughter who was always at home before life started to get "real", i am close to my parents. when i started to enter college and currently having a position to say a university student, i find interesting things about myself. whatever that i'm doing regardless of places i go, people i mingle with, i always "return" to my parents. 

"what is mommy going to say if i buy these expensive foods?"

"how is daddy going to react if i participate in this event?"

"if mommy's here, she's going to say this and that"

"is this house good enough to rent? mommy will check on every corners of the house to see what's wrong and what's nice and the hell she's not going to leave the owner without truckload of questions to answer and negotiate"

"i wonder what's daddy going to say....."

right up there, mono conversations that i cannot dodge everytime i have to deal with different occurences. more interestingly, when it comes to sweet romance that everyone desires, i run into thinking of words that i have successfully paid attention to from my parents. ever fucking since, i learn a hell lot of things about effort. no effort, not worthy enough. that's just life man. and effort, it takes both sides. it's psychologically true that if someone wants you bad enough (and he/she is not a psychopath), he/she will be there for you sincerely. "sincerity" is kind of complex to prove because it's very personal but what i know for sure is when someone's on it, it will glow and i will know. falling in love is easy but staying for what love truly means, it takes maturity. i pray so that i can tango with a man who is not just genuine in actions but intentions too. by genuine, i mean mature and sustainable. life has never put me to ask "so much". 

all in all, i feel safe if i get to decide wisely appropriate to my parents' ways not that i am a spoilt princess who barely able to tie my own shoelaces rather they are my best guideline. i am serious when i say that things are hard when i don't talk to them from time to time. i am thankful that they are the ones who stay at every angles of my life, working and sweating for me and my siblings. it's hard for me to stay away from home for so damn long but i remember that it's also hard for them to count days everyday waiting for us to come back home, worrying all the time if anything may harm us from a distance. it's a fair anxiety.

literally a step away from the middle of the year. i'm pampering the thought of june as the month of "releasing". i'm at ease thinking i'd be back home but that, of course, after trials and tribulations. so i've been molding myself up in the library these past few weeks it's my second home. there are a few relevant reasons for me to mention that first, crazy fast internet access, also, comfortable "weather" vis-a-vis my room at dorm, plus, personal space all to myself as i get to choose where i want to land, where i want to charge my laptop, how long do i want to let my bones freeze to death without following any asses from behind or any sides like i don't already have countless things to keep up with. from time to time, i grow only to care less about the idea of being among the cliques people hardly believe will uplift them more than being solitary well bullshit ladies and gentlemen. it's attitude that matters. there come times when i feel tired or plainly annoyed dealing with people especially the difficult ones. not everyone has "that" attitude but i face some who really turn my days blue and i just have to protect myself from those poisonous pests (i just have to, repeat). another thing is i don't have time or at least i don't owe any of my fucking time to dance among them so i'm thinking i'm better off with ordinary hardcore solitude, damn i'm right, case's closed. reaffirmation, i still need people in my life, i love being around people but the paradox is i cannot rely on them all the time (you get betrayed, annoyed sometimes for no good reasons well enough is enough) and time is a living proof of how experiences teach me (and you) that it's a matter of choice in managing our own life. you define, you decide.

attending dr. elizabeth's class for the first time a few weeks ago was not a waste. i probably regret if i were to drop her session and that's how strong i believe it's going to work. we don't always have to listen to what we want to hear and that's what she's doing and i respect that. i need that, in fact. all this time, enough with sweet words or whatsoever because we need the taste of ugly truths from time to time and outgrow them. i think that's the best way to learn. perhaps it's way too early to put some deep definitions on her session. there are yet some more weeks to pass and i'm hardcore stayin'. now, now, a draft posted since who knows. 

july is another focus, another present. can't wait. for the time being, i'm good compared to the first day. it takes a whole lot of me to adapt again. anxiety and its friends, damn good playing inside of my head. my blood feels weird, my skin feels further. we're no longer staying inside campus and things somehow change. highway is a just a step away it might sounds cool except the distinct noises (that recede when i'm soo into my stuffs). given small town lights and everything i am sane enough to know that it's not a bad place after all. no more lazy (blessed) sunday kind of makes me feel forbidden from the things i've normally done but here's it's just different. telling other people how odd it is is like facing a plain wall, futile. for a couple more months, let me just bury it. thinking about the rest of the months being here, well, they say we should break off of our shell and that it's good to see the world sometimes, i'm well aware. it takes another reason for me to be grateful because some souls prolly want it so this is a significant attachment. only this morning did i stumble upon an old thought. i'm not going to clarify it out because it is still unnecessary. my only wish is so that it will happen someday. that being said, work hard and scream. oh, i need to do some personal research.

i think it's true when you keep so much inside, it's going to burst out wild. your body gets hot, your heart can't feel right. it's scary and uneasy. the thing is, "scary and uneasy" comes in both lanes. you keep it inside, you're going to suffer alone. you let it bare outside, you're going to have the taste of the world. but i am still alive because God has mercy and He helps me get through the impossibility. that being said, i am a grateful tiny beanstalk. and i also think that's why "it's okay" exists. well it's okay to choose whether you want to let it out or hold back because the answer can't always be right. impossibility comes with possibility. with the right people, the right place, a heart who cares will fathom. it's just that, people lose track too. people misunderstood what necessary and unnecessary. it's okay, there's a lifetime to learn.

it's the kind of electric that everybody wants when they thought that the world is a black hole. it's the kind of warmth that a piece of blanket could offer to an extent at zero degree. it's the kind of delight that hovers and carried by the wind of april spring. it's the kind of magic that stops the time and pulls you closer to the future. it's the kind of newborn that makes people jump and fall on the ground, laughing. it's the kind of melody, so silent, jazzy, that brings cheer even to the back of your ears. it's the kind of addiction that lays no harm but paradise. it's the kind of flip that makes your stomach yell out of serenity. it's the kind of anxiety that reduces itself decrementally, effortlessly. it's the kind of strum at heart that makes the world go unheard, only the beating of your pulse, it's the kind of rain that put forth hope upon the light afterwards. it's the kind of lightning that magnetize the land at where you stand but you will never have to feel the pain. it's the kind of naught that means everything.

it only takes countless times to have a good talk (long one) with my sister. we have grown up big to discuss how life could be a good party or plain dirty box. growing up being, mostly, an observant (and ignorant), people have a good hard time to adapt with the things that i do. well, it's an open door. people can only see the slightest thing as an imperfection too. fine with that, done. also growing up not wanting to dissappoint people, it teaches me a lot. some people are never worth it. sometimes, i lose interest in filing up what people feel because i feel like i have put myself aside for so many times already. i'm not done with people (will never do) because people are atoms made up together and they mingle around us most of the time. especially when i'm studying far off south (so far in my life) and across the sea, i have met and made a lot of new friends. new bond is quite of a scary thing too because i don't know them (yet) but i have to pull myself away from my imagination that they are going to kill me or something. in the middle of semester break, i have collected great moments i couldn't be happier. keeping in touch with people who are truly concerned, very sublime.

made my way quite this far, it might be the best (or not) but life has no definite shape and i have my own unique patterns. we drive our own car and hold on to the steering wheel ever so wisely. other interpretation, we lead our own way and hold on to our faith undoubtedly. when moth calls me butterfly, i would have to cling on it. that assures how i live in an imaginary world at the same time; i do believe that i have wings to carry me when i suck at living. but here's the thing fella. real world and imaginary world can be a good pack. 

living in this harsh and filthy world, we can still put a smile on our face. we smile because it's funny. we smile because it's so funny how absurdity means a lot than we have ever thought. we smile because we have outgrown certain circumstances. we smile because we manage to indulge in the warmth that we distinctly deserved (while roaming, thinking we are undeserved). we smile because some people are not so bad after all.

living in our imaginary world, we have put forth our soul into something that is unseen. however unseen and deep, we are able to rise, so that's a secret star. so many passions kept inside, shared cautiously, well, imaginary world knows them best. it's so special that we have to work hard to portray the things that we love genuinely and stuffs that we want to do despite the uncertainty that comes along. oh the time that never guarantees us anything, trust me.

through it all, we still step forward right? we must progress. i must.

at this time around, i  need my own space to do more of my own contemplation and of course, revision. i'm currently in a room where my fingers are freezing like dead. but it's a fine place (or getaway) for me to mind my own things without feeling bothered all the time. sometimes, that's the thing about living inside a dorm. which in my case, the fan is not working well and i'm intrigued to sleep all the time. mentally, i'm also not in need of talking to people because i'm at a point where "what are you doing?" could've just ruined my entire day. i know that this is a temporary feeling and it could've also ended in no time but right now, no, i don't need bullshit.

"the beginning is always the hardest", they said. and it's true for a freshman like me. who would've expected things would fall on you like an avalanche, yes, all at the same time. considering so many people whom i cannot trust or even relied on upon anything, i'm left to my own devices and that's okay. there are people whom i can have a deep conversation with during my fallouts and it is sublime but all talks and let-outs are futile as long as the things that need to be done are not crossed off yet. so, there are freaking three days left to finish a bad amount of assignments and i'm almost drowning but at the same time i would have to put my trust on those people whom i mentioned earlier, cannot buy my trust. i just can't, but i have to. 

these fucking group assignments, ugh.